The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I supernannyed him into submission
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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