dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
