I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
