I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
