she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
