I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
