Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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