Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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