Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
