Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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