Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Drunk is not a location!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
