if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
