My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Welp...herpes.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
