Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
