Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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