Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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