I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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