Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
