It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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