I'd wear matching sweaters with you
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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