I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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