True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
