Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
