also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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