Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
