Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Randomize
