Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
