I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
