honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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