Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
