Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
