No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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