She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
