I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
