you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
