I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
