I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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