We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
