i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
