You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
