while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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