My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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