i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
