The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
