her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
