Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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