Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
