good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
