i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
