i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
