I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
