i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
