i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You took a bar mat shot.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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