nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
