so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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