My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
